No Country for Brides That Don't Want to Wear Quinceanera Dresses on Their Wedding Day

The following is an email that I sent to my girlfriends a few weeks ago. As of today, less than 2 months until my wedding day, I still do not have a wedding dress. Jesus wept.

Ladies, today was the first day when I honestly felt that I would not find a wedding gown. And when I say, "would not find a wedding gown", of course I don't mean that I'm going to be at the wedding in some jeans. I mean, a dress that I would actually want to wear would not be on my body. After looking off and on since January (or thereabouts) and devoting most of my summer to actively going from shop to shop, trying on dress after dress, I've gone to every place that I know to go. As you probably already know, about 6 weeks ago, I took to the internet and went hard in the paint. I've explored having the dress of my dreams made. None of these things have yielded any desirable results. And the whole time, I thought, "I don't care. I'm gonna get MY dress."

Today, for the first time, I felt completely defeated.  

The thing is, there's this one Nicole Miller dress that I wanted more than that one Vera Wang White from a while ago, and even more than the first dress with the asymmetrical ruffled skirt that I tried on toward the beginning of this year... But I don't necessarily believe in "one dress for one bride". Similar to how I don't believe in one soul mate for one person. I know opinions (especially among women) vary on both of these subjects. And the soul mate thing is a whole other conversation for another time, but I'll just say that as a person that is decidedly more "head" than "heart", I believe that logically, math dictates that there can never be just ONE of any possible match. I could be happy in a number of dresses, I'm sure. I just have no clue as to where those dresses are.

At this point, I am about 97% sure that I'm going to end up in a dress that I don't care about, don't care to see, document, preserve, or think about when the wedding is over. Unless awesome dresses start raining down from the sky. This is sad, because though I was confident that I wasn't going to do the bridal cry when I found the dress that I wanted to wear, I at the very least wanted to like what I would have on. I guess life isn't fair.

All of that is to say, I suppose I'm still looking, 'cause, I can't wear jeans. I mean, I could. I probably should. But, anyway. Because I'm completely over looking for a dress, probably permanently underwhelmed, and just ready for this to be over, I'll probably be asking you for your opinion more than ever. Since my idea of what is attractive clearly isn't shared by bridal gown designers, manufacturers, retailers, and wearers, I have no idea of what "looks good" anymore. It's all ugly, white, and beaded, to me, so I'm just trying to find the least ugly of the bunch. I guess it's sort of like adopting a puppy.

So... Yeah

Remember when I called myself participating in the "Blog a Day" challenge back in August? Well, forget all about that. [insert sigh here] Listen people, you're gonna have to cut me some slack. I'm getting married in a matter of days and I have no dress, my child done turned 13 and is tryin' to get grown all in my face, my computer has an attitude problem, I ain't got no job and have been going on interviews were I have to wait for 45 minutes! Life is hard! I have waist length yarn braids and a household to maintain. And apparently, according to Southern California Edison, I owe them $.57, though I haven't been a customer of theirs in about 6 months. Admittedly, blogging isn't always at the top of my list of things to do. But thankfully, everyday is a new day.

I actually have a couple of things that I've been working on that I will share with you all in the coming weeks and months. Also, in addition to prepping for a lifetime of commitment to my soon to be husband, I'm getting ready to compete in a slam that will take place 6 days after we're married. Who agrees to cut their honeymoon short to go compete in a slam? *points to self* Clearly, I'm out of my mind. And you know that I haven't seriously competed in a slam since 2007, so I have no idea what I'm actually doing, or what came over me. Is this a mid-life crisis? I need answers.

Anyway, as the year's end approaches, there are some exciting things taking place, and I'm not just talking about my own life. I was telling a friend the other day that I really get the feeling that 2013 is gonna be poppin'. "Gonna be poppin'"... That's probably not an acceptable term in the literary world. But, whatever. That's what it's going to be. Poppin'. Tell ya mama, tell ya daddy. The elections are goin' down, folks are getting married left and right, people are starting businesses, being creative on never before seen levels, and making major moves. It's pretty inspirational. I'm trying to be a part of that particular movement. So thank you for your continued readership (or if you have no idea who I am or how you ended up at this blog, thanks for wandering on over), and thank you in advance for partaking in the ramblings, observations, a foolishness to come.

The Problem with Wedding Dresses

The problem with wedding dresses is that, in my opinion, they're ugly. Now, that wouldn't be much of an issue if I weren't getting married at the end of the year, and therefore looking for one to wear to this ceremony my fiance and I call ourselves planning. When I walk into a bridal shop, this is what the conversation sounds like:

ME: Hi, I'm looking for a simple, elegant wedding gown.

CONSULTANT: When is your wedding?

ME: December 2nd.

CONSULTANT: OF THIS YEAR!?!?!

ME: Ummm... yeah.

CONSULTANT: OH! WELL IT'S TOO LATE TO ORDER ONE! We'll have to find something for you off the rack.

ME: That's fine.

CONSULTANT: What do you have in mind?

ME: Something simple and modern. Mermaid shaped, ivory, strapless. No beading, no appliques, no lace, to pick ups, no shiny material.

CONSULTANT: *blank stare*

And this results in me leaving the shop, with no dress. Apparently, you have to secure your wedding dress damn near a year in advance, since they have to give the silk worms plenty of time to get it together. Also, notice that all of the "style elements" I hate (beading, lace, foolishness) are exactly the things that a respectable wedding dress is made of. Factor in my budget, which dictates that I will not spend 2/10 of a down payment for a house on a dress that I will wear for a few hours. Anybody that does, I don't know what to say to you. In my world, rent and a car note must be paid regularly, I have no benefactors, and children in Africa are starving. Not to mention that fact that I want my future husband and I to be able to actually live after this little cute wedding situation. And we're not going into debt to impress anybody. So, there. Where the bargain wedding dresses at?!?!!

But not the ugly ones, though.

Actually, it seems that the less poofy and gaudy the dress is, the higher the price. Does that have something to do with minorities and lower class folks and their love affair with cheesy embellishments? I wonder. I want to look well put together on my wedding day. Not like a mountain of sparkly whipped cream. I'm 31, not 3.

I blame this all on these grown ass women who've only ever wanted to be a princess all their lives. Because of them, every dress I try on gotta have a flock of geese and a gospel choir attached to the back. That's not what my life is about. Wedding be damned, it is never under any circumstances my desire to appear as though I may be smuggling a family of midgets under my skirt. No, thank you.

My current struggle has caused me to reflect on my past experiences with weddings and I recently realized that I've never seen a wedding dress that made me want to slap my Mama. When I see women in wedding gowns, I always think, "Oh, pretty. She's getting married," and it has little to do with the dress itself. It's just that she has the garb on and no matter how well it fits, what the style is, or if it aligns with my personal taste, she's a bride and that's beautiful.

Which means that I could wrap myself in a few rolls of toilet paper and shuffle down the aisle with a handful of somebody's front yard perennials in my fist, and nobody would really think twice about it, which is good. That gives me hope that in this sea of ugly wedding dresses, if I can just manage to secure the one that is least ugly, I'm winning.

Color Struck

The fact that my fiance and I just cannot seem to pick out our wedding colors is just ridiculous to me. It may also seem ridiculous that I'm so determined to have the colors picked when we haven't been engaged a full 2 months yet and our wedding is actually over 13 months away. Listen. Let's get it poppin'. I need to know what the deal is. What is this situation gonna look like? I need to be able to envision our wedding day, at least a little bit... And the colors play a vital role.

We already know where in the world the wedding will be, though we don't have an exact location. We have a date. I need some colors. Our Save the Dates probably go out 'round about December or January and shortly after that, we're on to the actual invitations. I need to pick out dresses for my bridesmaids and maid of honor, flowers, everything. My Mama wants to know what she's gonna wear. I can't figure any of that out without colors.

We've talked, and talked, and talked... and talked about it. We've sat down and looked at colors. We've scoured the Internet. We've emailed each other. Still, no colors.

I have an idea of what I want to do... Sort of. But I'm scared it might be too strange. And then there's this epic list of all of the colors I don't want and/or don't like. Then there are all of these parameters that the color story needs to fit inside of (at least in my own neurotic mind). It's a tropical destination wedding in December. Season versus location. They sort of clash. So, I could do brights, but that doesn't make sense to me in fall. Arrrrgh!

Fiance thinks I'm over thinking. I probably am, but that's how I roll. I'm very driven by aesthetics, so if things don't look right, I will be miserable. These colors that we [desperately need to] decide on are more important than my dress. Yeah, I said it. Listen, I ain't worried about me. These colors could go terribly wrong, but I know I'm gonna be cute, regardless, so my fresh-to-def-ness is a no brainer. Boom. Colors, come on.