Monday, May 16, 2011

Science Confirms What You Were Already Thinking: Black Women Showl Is Ugly

So, way back in the year 2008, I wrote this poem entitled Dear Black Men. I used it in the Hollywood Grand Slam Finals that year, got a 30 (which, in case you didn't know is a perfect score, bish) and a standing ovation, but went over time (due to audience reaction, and not enough editing before hand) and didn't make the gatdamn team [insert weeping here].

This poem later went on to become somewhat infamous. It now lives in my book, Five-Three and Rising. It has terrorized many a Black man in it's day. I rarely read it anymore, but when I do, it entertains me thoroughly.

Yesterday, Psychology Today published an article entitled "Why Are Black Women Rated Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women, But Black Men Are Rated Better Looking Than Other Men?". As you probably guessed, it talks about the reasons why Black women are generally ugly, especially in comparison to women of other races. In fact, we're so ugly, we're less attractive than men. That explains why I couldn't get a date for 5 years straight. Well, that and the fact that I'm a bald headed abomination. Thank you, Psychology Today for clearing all of this up for me. Now I can go eat my watermellon in peace.

Anyway, here's the poem. If you had not yet experienced it, you have that silly article to thank. Enjoy.

Dear Black Men,

It has recently come to my attention

that you think

I ain't shit

Imagine tha shock and dissapointment

I experienced

When I realized that all this time

I been walkin around here

with eyes

So ridiculously brown,

They've actually been scientifically identified

as "Attention Resistant"

Which would explain why

They all but refuse to be gazed into

Research led me to discover that I'm not tha only one

Plagued with this terrible condition

Which, apparently

originated in tha same place AIDS did

And there are women all over tha world

Suffering from tha same incurable affliction

Of brown-eyed-ness

As of now, no anctedote exists

Centers for Disease Control is working on it

But in tha meantime,

These melanin infested eyes of mine

Are so run of tha mill

That you cant help but feel


And trying to admire

or even acknowlege them

In tha slightest bit

Has left you tired on levels never before experienced

and unwilling to make any further attempts

and I must say I understand

I mean, why bother

with eyes that ain't even blue

or at least green?

Hell, hazel would be an improvement

Its a wonder I can even see with these

raggedy things

and one would think

That I would atleast

Hav tha decency

To wear colored contacts

When in your company

Whut tha fuck is wrong with me?

And why hav I been trippin so hard?

And for so long?

Really, I marvel at your ability

To put up with me

At all

Black men, I am so very sorry

My hair

Is so very nappy

I just never realized all tha pain it caused you

Until tha other day

When I caught a glimpse of these kinks

and stubborn twists

In tha mirror

And I must say,

It was unsightly

To say tha very least

I would even go as far as to say

That it bordered on frightening

How do I expect you

To run your fingers

Through this audacious barbwire maze?

This shit ain't luxurious!

It ain't even fair to you

And tho I was offeneded at first

I now realize that

Whut Don Imus had to say

Was merely based on an observation

That man's statement was rooted in truth

We ARE some nappy headed hoes

And just to think

That I was walkin around here, oblivious

When tha proof

Was all up and thru my scalp

And all around my edges

Is too shameful

For me to even contemplate

Clearly, tha nape of my neck is in dire need

Of some attention

From a hot pressing comb

I'm wrong.

Black men,

How hav you managed to maintain your sanity

Under these conditions?

Where do you get tha energy

To keep up with me

When I'm dancing

On beat?

How did you develop tha fortitude

That allows you to deal

With all this unnecessary

black girl attitude?

I mean, I'm aware

I reach new levels

of irreverence, everyday

Parading around

In this dark skin

With these big lips

and this massive mouth

That, despite my sincerest efforts

Won't allow itself to be toned down

Turned off or tuned out

I won't shrink, straighten or fade

And despite many colonialist's efforts

As rapists

It appears my blackness

Remains relatively undiluted

Which leads me to believe that

Tha only possible solution

To this rampant outbreak of blackness

Is for you to keep on persuing

White women

(and females of other exotic ethnic origins)

With tha fervor

And tireless dilligence

That only a black man

Can exhibit

And in tha meantime...

I realize

That despite my dedication to you

I will never be white

But, brutha...

For you

Tha least a sista can do

Is try


Nikki Blak