Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Back Like I Left Something

It took me such an incredibly long time to get into grad school. And by "such an incredibly long time", I mean "I meant to start in the fall but didn't until spring". I know that sounds ridiculous. However, when you've been trying to complete your undergrad degree your entire adult life and your aspirations are to get a PhD, a semester of inactivity is a long time. It feels like an incredible waste of time. And yet, I enjoyed that time because, honey, I was tired!

I kind of feel like I intentionally dragged my feet and didn't make any moves to secure a master's program to enter into immediately after graduating because I was approaching burnout. Whatever the case was, I suppose it was good for me. And of course, the time flew by. When January arrived I entered into a master's program at a southern California college. Literal days after the session started, out of nowhere they started to act a fool with me, reneged on their own very clearly stated school policies and got on my nerves so bad that I had to tell them to kiss my black ass and withdraw me from their institution. Let me tell you, there is so much liberation that comes from telling an entity to kiss your colored ass. Let me tell you something else: I've never regretted telling a person, place, or thing to kiss my whole entire ass. Let me tell you one final thing: In this instance, it was the move and the absolute best thing I could have done.

That school had been my not first choice. Now, they had wasted my time and once again, I was not in school and had to let at least another semester go by. I was pissed off.

I went back to my first choice. I hustled to get my application submitted along with my essay, letters of reference, and other necessary documents. I got in.

I just spent my entire summer pretty much completely immersed in this program and now, as the fall semester has begun, I'm back to school -- again. I feel like I've been in school my whole life. Jesus, help. I feel like all I ever do is school work. It's been good. But it's alot. But, I'm learning alot. But dis tew much. But, yay for education! This summer alone, I feel like my mind has expanded more than it ever did in pretty much all of my time completing my bachelors. So, yeah -- we in this thang!

I'm incredibly blessed to have the ability, resources, and opportunity to pursue my education. For a long time, I didn't. Most people in the world don't. I don't take it for granted. This is a privilege. This is an unearned advantage that will undoubtedly give me access to more unearned advantages. That's real. That's the unattractive truth. Even as I allow myself to be honest about being tired, overwhelmed, and even at times bored with the routine that is school, I think about my mother's mother and her mother and my girls. I get to stand in this space. When you consider that I'm just a black girl from Inglewood who was raised by a poor, disabled, single mother and dropped out of college, the reality of that blows me away.