The Problem with Wedding Dresses

The problem with wedding dresses is that, in my opinion, they're ugly. Now, that wouldn't be much of an issue if I weren't getting married at the end of the year, and therefore looking for one to wear to this ceremony my fiance and I call ourselves planning. When I walk into a bridal shop, this is what the conversation sounds like:

ME: Hi, I'm looking for a simple, elegant wedding gown.

CONSULTANT: When is your wedding?

ME: December 2nd.

CONSULTANT: OF THIS YEAR!?!?!

ME: Ummm... yeah.

CONSULTANT: OH! WELL IT'S TOO LATE TO ORDER ONE! We'll have to find something for you off the rack.

ME: That's fine.

CONSULTANT: What do you have in mind?

ME: Something simple and modern. Mermaid shaped, ivory, strapless. No beading, no appliques, no lace, to pick ups, no shiny material.

CONSULTANT: *blank stare*

And this results in me leaving the shop, with no dress. Apparently, you have to secure your wedding dress damn near a year in advance, since they have to give the silk worms plenty of time to get it together. Also, notice that all of the "style elements" I hate (beading, lace, foolishness) are exactly the things that a respectable wedding dress is made of. Factor in my budget, which dictates that I will not spend 2/10 of a down payment for a house on a dress that I will wear for a few hours. Anybody that does, I don't know what to say to you. In my world, rent and a car note must be paid regularly, I have no benefactors, and children in Africa are starving. Not to mention that fact that I want my future husband and I to be able to actually live after this little cute wedding situation. And we're not going into debt to impress anybody. So, there. Where the bargain wedding dresses at?!?!!

But not the ugly ones, though.

Actually, it seems that the less poofy and gaudy the dress is, the higher the price. Does that have something to do with minorities and lower class folks and their love affair with cheesy embellishments? I wonder. I want to look well put together on my wedding day. Not like a mountain of sparkly whipped cream. I'm 31, not 3.

I blame this all on these grown ass women who've only ever wanted to be a princess all their lives. Because of them, every dress I try on gotta have a flock of geese and a gospel choir attached to the back. That's not what my life is about. Wedding be damned, it is never under any circumstances my desire to appear as though I may be smuggling a family of midgets under my skirt. No, thank you.

My current struggle has caused me to reflect on my past experiences with weddings and I recently realized that I've never seen a wedding dress that made me want to slap my Mama. When I see women in wedding gowns, I always think, "Oh, pretty. She's getting married," and it has little to do with the dress itself. It's just that she has the garb on and no matter how well it fits, what the style is, or if it aligns with my personal taste, she's a bride and that's beautiful.

Which means that I could wrap myself in a few rolls of toilet paper and shuffle down the aisle with a handful of somebody's front yard perennials in my fist, and nobody would really think twice about it, which is good. That gives me hope that in this sea of ugly wedding dresses, if I can just manage to secure the one that is least ugly, I'm winning.