Remember the First Time Jay-Z Got Knocked Up?

See, this is how I know that ya'll either (A) are not real Jay-Z fans and/or (B) don't listen to music, ya'll just skim through it.* Since Beyonce released Blue Ivy from her sacred womb and Jay released "Glory", the interwebs have been abuzz about the lyrics which tell of a prior pregnancy and miscarriage. Listen. This may have been Beyonce's first miscarriage (which by the way is horrible and tragic. My heart goes out to her, as I can't imagine what that must feel like)... but it wasn't Jay's first. So, why is everyone fainting and doin' the Cry Baby about this "revelation"? This is not, I repeat, NOT the first time Jay-Z rapped about a miscarriage. Everybody sit down.

Remember that time Jay-Z got that unidentified girl knocked up back in the 90's? No? Probably because you just discovered Jay-Z in the past 6 years. But anyway, he mentioned being fearful about impending fatherhood on "For the Fam", which featured Beanie Sigel, Amil, and Memphis Bleek... Or as I like to refer to them, The Peanut Gallery.

"Plus I'm having a child, which is more frightening." -Jay-Z

Shortly thereafter, on the Dynasty: Roc La Famila album, he rapped about the miscarriage of that child on "This Can't Be Life", which was the first track Kanye ever produced for Jay and featured Scarface and Beanie Sigel.

"It get's worse, baby mama's water bursts

Baby came out still born, still I gotta move on

Though my heart still torn, life gone from her womb

Don't worry, if it was meant to be, it will be -- soon"

-Jay-Z

That was back in 2000, folks. Know your hip hop history before you get to yammering on about how "shocking" the lyrics in "Glory" are and asking such probing questions such as "has a rapper ever spoken about miscarriage before?" The answer is: Ummmm... yes. Thanks for joining us.

I'm just sayin'. Ya'll late. Good day.

*That's a lyric from a Jay-Z song. See, you didn't know that, you ole' bandwagoner.

Is It Just Me...?

Is it just me, or is crashing somebody's performance slightly more unforgivable than interrupting their acceptance speech? I'm just sayin.

Well, I just wanna go on record saying that both Random Acts of Foolishness blessed my soul in ways that I cannot express. Thank you, Lil' Mama and Kanye for helping me hav tha best week ever.

Beyonce Practices Ancient Creole Fertility Ritual On Stage

We've all come to expect certain things from one Mrs. Beyonce Giselle Knowles Carter. One: She gon hav some weave in her hair. Two: She might either (a) decend out of tha rafters on invisible wire and hover above tha stage like Tinkerbell at tha nightly Disneyland fireworks show, or (b) ascend up out of tha stage, wind blowing through tha aforementioned weave, stilettos, properly on feet, booming on all these hoes. Three: She's gonna hav more riffs for that ass than an extended guitar solo. Four: Likely she will be dressed like a super hero. None of these are necessarily bad things. That's just how that sista roll.



Well, on Sunday night at tha 9th Annual BET awards, she left tha crime fighting to Keyshia Cole and Monica. Beyonce ain't got nothin' to prove. She got her reformed drug dealer Millionaire-Boo, she done made it, and she ain't yo Karyn White -- I mean superwoman!

*rolls eyes*

Whut you thought this was? A show? You thought Beyonce was here to entertain you with something exciting, energetic, and visually tantalizing? Well she showed you whut was whut, didn't she?

Instead of layin down on a couple yards of tha finest spandex infused fabric that tha Houston swap meet had to offer, and allowing Mama Tina to swaddle her good and tight till she looked like human fruit roll up, Beyonce went for a more elegant look...



A rhinestone encrusted bathing suit made of Cool Whip accented with a skirt constructed of a discarded parasol, tha elderly neighbor lady's sheer curtains and fur trim from tha clearance section at tha local Michael's Arts and Crafts store. Isn't she a vision of beauty?

Nod your head in agreement.

Mmmmhmmm, we all knew Beyonce was lovely, pure as tha driven snow, and as close to divinity as a black woman can get, but whut you didn't kno was that whut you actually witnessed was not a normal Beyonce performance, but an ancient Creole Fertility Ritual that has been passed down from one generation of Dereon women to tha next. Right now, there is a big head, big lipped, lightskinned baby cookin' in Bey-bey's sacred womb. I'm tryin' to tell you. Shawn Corey Matthew Dereon Celestino Knowles Carter, coming soon to an Essence cover near you.

More Jay-Z Love

...'Cause I love him. So whut?

Death of Autotune

I normally don't publish two posts in one day, but this here is breaking news of tha most important kind: NEW MUSIC! And whut makes it even better is that it's Jay-Z (and if you don't kno how I feel about that brutha... then you need to get familiar).

OH JAY!

And whut's funny is that earlier today, I was just thinkin about how much I love him and need to dedicate a post to him. See how tha Lord just works things right on out!



Apparently, HOT 97 just played Death of Autotune not even a full hour ago. YUMMY GOODNESS! Every bit of it. I'm all over it, boys and girls. I think I've listened to it about 27 times. I know tha words.

And he still gonna get another post from me, cause he's just that fuckin' dope. Now, excuse me while I run around my livingroom chanting, "HO-VA! HO-VA! HO-VA!" for tha next 30 minutes or so.