The Reason [I Suspect] As to Why I Haven't Gotten My Security Deposit Back

As you may recall, my former landlord is an incompetent jerk. You remember that time he acted a fool when my rent check got lost in the mail and that other time when I gave him 30 days written and verbal notice that I was vacating my apartment (per the terms of my month to month lease and in compliance with California state law) and he acted like he had a problem with that? This is the man that often took forever to make repairs, dragged his feet about scheduling time to do a final walk through of my apartment once I'd moved out, and finally, showed up 45 minutes after the mutually agreed upon time. Well, it's been over six months since I moved out, and (SURPRISE!) this fool hasn't returned my security deposit to me.

According to California state law, a landlord must return a tenant's security deposit in full within 21 days of the last day of occupancy. Typically, that 21 day countdown starts on the day of the final walk through. If the landlord is withholding any part of the security deposit, he or she must notify the former tenant in writing with an itemized list of deductions. So, if you kicked a hole in the wall or stole a light fixture, your landlord would have to send you something that basically says, "I'm deducting such and such amount for the repair of the thingamajig." In my case, the apartment was in excellent condition and thoroughly cleaned. Of course it showed of a reasonable amount of wear and tear which is understandable with 3 years of occupancy. However it didn't need much done to it in preparation for the next tenant. Perhaps a coat of paint.

I had paid my final rent, trusting that despite his shoddy track record, he would do the right thing and pay what he owed in a reasonable amount of time. But, as R. Kelly so eloquently stated, "Haters gon' hate. Ballers gon' ball," and true to his character, my landlord did not do the correct and proper thing. I wrote him a nice email, as a reminder that he owed me some good money. No response. This is the point at which I started calling him. And of course, he participated in shade and didn't answer his phone. He didn't respond to my messages. He was a sucka emcee. But I really want to call him something else. But I won't, 'cause my Mama raised me right.

One day, my fiance called him and cursed him out. I think he did it in Spanish. My landlord called me, damn near crying (like a little bi-- Oh... I said I wouldn't call him somethin' else. Nevermind). He was a fountain of excuses. He was offended that I would take such measures and almost went as far as to say that my fiance doesn't know his life. I told him, "Listen. That's the man I'm marrying and currently residing under the same roof with. It is absolutely his business. He doesn't have to know your life. You owe me. So, you owe us. Cough up the dinero, compadre." And then he started with the promises to pay. "Just give me some time," he said. That was back in June.

So, now I have to sue him.

Really, ain't nobody got time for that. But, I have to do what I have to do, mostly out of principal. I've been living without that money for a long time and [thankfully] I hadn't hinged any dreams on it or made any plans for it. That money would be extra. But the point is that its MINES. Not his. So, now I gotta take attention away from things that I want to do to go deal with some foolishness that I shouldn't have to. Such is life.

Here's the thing though. I have a theory as to why he "hasn't been able" to return my security deposit to me. Remember that one time last summer when Ashley Catharine McGinty (also known as "That Girl") came to stay in my spare bedroom and proceeded to make messes and not clean up after herself, try not to pay rent, and finally not return my house key to me once she left? Well, about a week after I had moved out of that apartment, I stopped by the premises to check and see if there were any random pieces of mail for me that may have been mis-delivered to the old address... And I saw that someone had already taken up residence in my old apartment. Hmmm.

This struck me as strange since, as far as I knew, my old landlord had not advertised the apartment as vacant and it was still the middle of the month. Surely, at that point, he hadn't had any time to prep the apartment for a new tenant. For someone to be occupying the place within a week was just...

Hey. I suspect that That Girl (who, as far as we know, still has my keys), let herself into the vacant apartment  once the coast was clear and took up residence. Listen. Stranger things have happened. And with a squatter in the unit [and California laws regarding tenancy being what they are] there would be no way to swiftly order an eviction, physically remove the unwanted occupant, and rent it out to a new tenant. Therefore there would be no way to obtain a new security deposit or collect any rent... And maybe no way to return my deposit to me. With his broke behind. I'm just sayin'.

As you can see [and probably already knew], my life is full of the finest foolery. Now, excuse me while I go write a check to Southern California Edison in the amount of $.57. Good day.

The Cost of Stupidity

I got this out of my mailbox the other day:

Let's talk about this. First of all, I haven't been a customer of Southern California Edison in over 6 months. In March, I moved to a part of Los Angeles that they don't provide power to and therefore had to discontinue my service with them and take up with the Department of Water and Power (who I hate, for good reasons that I don't have the energy to get into). Southern California Edison sent me my final bill, probably in April. I paid it. We're done. Sooooo... what the hell is this?

Second: I don't even have an account with them. It was closed in April. So, again I ask... What the hell is this? Third: Even if I still had an account with them, in the span of six months how would I manage to only owe them .$57? FIFTY SEVEN CENTS. And that is the total that they arrived at after a $.06 discount. Wait a minute. This is a joke, right?

So, wait. Not only do I mysteriously owe them the absurdly minuscule amount of $.57 on an account that hasn't been active for half a year, but they were generous enough to apply a discount to an amount that was so important that they had to generate a bill, utilize good paper and ink, and apply postage so as to collect these funds. 

This reminds me of the time a few months ago when AT&T was sending me bills in the amount of $0.00 for months after I had canceled my internet service. These utility providers are like pushy ex-boyfriends who can't accept that you don't want anything they have to offer anymore. I don't have any energy for harassment from companies in the form of false bills, unnecessary paperwork, and junk mail. Please, go die in a fire.

The most ridiculous part of this entire scenario is that it probably cost Southern California Edison more than $.57 to send me this stupid bill. My plan is to call them up and do a dollars worth of cussin'. 

I SHOULDA HAD AN ABORTION: Tha Year in Review

2009 took it's sweet time gettin' on up outta here, didn't it? Well, I'm glad that bitch is gone, cause we 'bout to get it in in 2010! *giggles*

And apparently, that's exactly what I been doin', cause here we are, a week into tha year, and I'm just now doin' a blog entry. Shameful, really, but whatever. I got a life, people! And furthermore, you gotta understand that I gotta take time out between entries to replenish my reservoir of foolishness. That's how you get tha very best fuckery from me... but I digress...



Despite some tragedies and scandals, I guess tha past year wasn't really bad at all, especially on a personal tip. I kept myself a job, wrote some poems n' thangs, continued to Boom on these hoes (while simultaneously stunting. That shit ain't easy!), and generally lived my life like it was golden. Highlights of tha year included my friend Tamara's wedding, celebrating Naomi's 10th Birthday at tha Mos Def and Erykah Badu show on Labor Day Weekend, and in October, marking tha one year anniversary of my marriage to my apartment.

So, this is like tha best story about my husband -- I mean, my apartment... It was Halloween of 2008. I had been in my place for all of 31 days and my brother, Chas was here. I have a front and a back door and of course, my back door is in my kitchen (well, not really "of course"... I mean, I guess it could be somewhere else... but traditionally, that's where back doors are.) My desk and computer and whole work station area is also in my kitchen, so inevitably, that's where I spend most of my time. We had been having a bit of a heat wave (or is that really just normal for L.A in October? *confused face*), so all of tha windows and my back door was open and Chas and I were sitting in tha kitchen talking and then, all of a sudden, we hear this woman GOING OFF.

She was sobbing and yelling and just actin' an all around fool. I imagine she prolly rolled around on tha floor at some point, that's how much she was cuttin' up. Well, apparently, she was "arguing" with her man (I put that in quotation marks, cause really it takes two people to argue and we never heard him say anything). She was like, "YOU DON'T LOVE MEEEEEEEEE!!!! YOU NEVER LOVED ME!!!" and of course, Chas and I, bein' tha maniacs that we are, turned down tha music and went over to tha window and back door so we could really hear all tha juicy mess. So, she's goin' on and on and on, just actin a muthafuckin' fool, and then she was like, "I SHOULDA HAD AN ABORTIOOOOOOOON! I SHOULDA HAD AN ABORTIOOOOOON! [insert inaudible sobs here]"

Chas and I looked at each other like "OH SHIT!"

Bwahahahahahahaahahahahahaha!

Forreal, lady? Is that whut you shoulda done? Wow.

I certainly hope tha child she "should've aborted" was a little baby and didn't know what was goin' on and not like 17 in tha other room on tha PS3, like "Whut tha fuck???"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So, now that's our inside joke. When some shit don't go tha way we want it to or we're just generally unhappy, we throw our heads back like tha characters in Charlie Brown, fake sob, and shout, "I SHOULDA HAD AN ABORTION!" It's fun for tha whole family.



That story had absolutely nothing to do with tha New Year or anything else for that matter... I just felt like sharing.

Learning to Leave White Women Alone

I'll admit, I am at times very immature. As a result, I'm still chuckling my ass off about tha whole Taylor Swift and Kanye fiasco, and needless to say entertained by all things relating to it. Tha shit is silly. Tha actual act of getting out of your seat to interrupt some one's speech and give your unwanted, un-asked for opinion, tha fact that it overshadowed so many much more important news stories, that it eclipsed tha original reason for Kanye being on Jay Leno's show to begin with, and that (white)folks are complaining now that Kanye is obviously, apparently racist -- wait -- because Kanye acted an ass, he's racist? Hold on. Let's explore this.



Now, I can't really tell you whut possessed him to hop his ass up out his seat and help himself to tha microphone in tha middle of Taylor's acceptance speech, but I can tell you this much -- Kanye ain't stupid. Bully? Yes. Coked up? Likely. Bitch? Quite possibly. Racist? No. Lemme tell you how I came to that conclusion... (aside from Taylor and Beyonce) Tha following ladies were nominated for that award.

Pink



Kelly Clarkson



Lady Gaga



and Katy Perry



Now, here come little saccharine ass, wholesome, darling, lovable Taylor, skippin' up on stage to accept her award...


I got a toothache just lookin' at her daggone picture. Based on visuals alone, do you get where I'm goin with this? You're smart, so of course you do. However, I'mma just go on ahead and say it for tha slow kids in tha class:

Kanye would have never in a million years gone up on stage and interrupted anybody but Taylor's speech! EVER!

Why?

'Cause he ain't stupid.

You and I kno that if he had been able to get tha nerve up to even get up out his seat and act like he wanted to show out while they were accepting their awards, Kelly Clarkson and Katy Perry would've had NO PARTS of that, Lady Gaga with her crazy ass woulda been liable to do a Mike Tyson on that brutha, and Pink -- OH, HONEY... Pink might've put her cigarette out on his forehead, raped, and shanked him.

Notice, all of these women are white. I guarantee you, race wasn't tha motivation behind this outburst. If anything, it was simply an opportunity for Kanye to talk. You kno that boy likes to just talk. Don't believe me? Just listen to tha last track on tha College Dropout album. He talks for 8 minutes and 45 seconds, damn near without taking any breaths.

So, now that we've got that out of tha way, let me get to tha part about this whole thing that disturbs me (and tha point of this whole blog). I read around tha web that after tha incident at tha VMAs, some folks up and lost they damn minds and started name callin'.

Joeben Buena tweeted, "So I just heard. Kanye West had a nigger moment last night at the VMAs." Jake Snider tweeted, "...Thank you Kanye for proving what I've been telling people forever. You're a nigger!"

Forreal? With tha strong "ER"?!?! We doin' it like that? Oh, okay. I shouldn't have to tell you that neither of these muthafuckas are black, nor is this beezie Kayla Larson from California's Bay Area, who tweeted, "Kanye West is a fucking NIGGER! It's guys like him that make you all look bad!"

Sorry, Kayla-boo... it's actually bitches like you who make "you all" look bad. Granted, none of these things would hav been uttered by any of tha above mentioned backward-ass, possibly inbred folk in an environment that didn't provide a level of anonymity and a great physical barrier. I would pay good money to see Jake and Joeben down at tha Baldwin Hills Crenshaw Plaza talkin' that much shit, or little Miss Larson in a room full black girls with that much to say. It would indeed be a tragedy. And yes, I believe in and advocate putting your hands on folks that obviously don't understand anything other than a good choking out.

Sidebar: We have told non-black folks for far too long that "nigga" (or any variation of tha word) is not a part of their vocabulary... and yet, they persist. Whut is one to do when reasoning and polite talk has failed? I think it's time to get Wayne Brady involved.

But, I digress...

Of course Kanye is partially responsible for some of this. Though he doesn't deserve to be called all out his name or have racial slurs and insults hurled at him, he had to have known that it might go in this direction. After all, this is whut happens when you don't learn to leave white women alone. Whether you're whistling at them, tryin to wife them, or in this case, wrestle a microphone out their hands so you can sing Beyonce's praises, white folk aren't going to just allow you to mistreat their precious vessels of life. Black man, you better appreciate that white woman -- while averting yo negro eyes. And speak soft, too. And call her, "Ma'am". And shuffle yo feet.



Interestingly enough, I didn't hear all this nigger talk when Chris Brown battered Rhianna. So basically, a black bitch can get her face busted open at tha hands of a black man and it's business as usual, but if he interrupts a precious white woman's little acceptance speech, it's lynchin' time. I see. Well, thank you America for telling me whut I already knew: Tha issue of race in America is similar to a smoldering fire -- though it may hav appeared to burn itself out and subside, it is still hot and ready to be rekindled, ignite, rage, and continue its path of destruction, if only given tha opportunity. Don't let this black pawn -- I mean, President fool you. Racism is still very much alive.

Is It Just Me...?

Is it just me, or is crashing somebody's performance slightly more unforgivable than interrupting their acceptance speech? I'm just sayin.

Well, I just wanna go on record saying that both Random Acts of Foolishness blessed my soul in ways that I cannot express. Thank you, Lil' Mama and Kanye for helping me hav tha best week ever.