Because My [Soon to be Former] Landlord is an Asshole

February 10, 2012

Dear [Dumb Ass Landlord That Shall Remain Nameless],

As per the phone conversation that we just had a few minutes ago, I am sending you this email as written notification of termination of my tenancy at [address]. I was very disappointed to hear that you may have a problem with me vacating the apartment by the 10th of March, instead of the 1st. As I stated, had I known on the 1st of this month that I would be obtaining a residence elsewhere, I certainly would have notified you at that time. Also, I have not noted where it states in the lease that my 30 day notice must be given on the first of the month.

Obviously, it goes without saying that it is tradition that an individual would serve notice of their plans to vacate a property on the first of the month. However, in this case, unfortunately that was impossible. One would think that it would actually be beneficial to the owner of a property to have a tenant vacate within a reasonable amount of time after the first, as it would mean that the unit would not have to stand unoccupied for an entire month. It is extremely realistic that you could show the unit to a prospective tenant on or shortly after the 11th of March and have them move in by the 1st of April! Or even the 15th! That actually means more money for you! And yet, you are unhappy.

Based on our previous interactions and my knowledge of your unyielding affection for money, I assume that you will be charging me rent until the 10th of March due to the fact that I am notifying you on the 10th of this month. If I am correct in that assumption, my rent will be prorated and fill your pockets to the tune of something like $419.30. And yet, you seem dissatisfied. This is nothing short of confusing.

I have found that it is impossible for you to be satisfied in most instances. It appears that we can never have an easy, simple interaction, and that is truly sad. From the very first day of my moving in, our business dealings have been fraught with tension. I look forward to lessening the obvious strain that I place upon your sensibilities, and easing my own mind. I have done my best as a tenant to be punctual, respectful, reasonable, and low maintenance. It is my hope that I have cared for your property well and that the next individual or family that occupies my current home will do the same.

Best,

Nikki

A Head Start on Foolishness

I just wanted to get a head start on the foolishness that I plan to participate in during the coming year. Happy 2012, yawl!

Michelle O Got a Big Ol' Butt!... Oh... No

Just when you think the coast is clear and you gon' have a good damn day, Eurocentric Beauty Standards strike again! I almost threw my phone across the room this morning when I read about Wisconsin Congressman, Jim Sensenbrenner's ugly, ignorant, racist, sexist comments about First Lady, Michelle Obama's rear end. According to his big as a single family home ass, " She lectures us on eating right while she has a large posterior herself."

SAY WHAT?!?

First of all, sir, you have 46 chins, so have a fucking seat, but don't break that bitch. Second, what he's referring to as a "large posterior" is what we as black people all over the world view as natural and quite normal. In fact, Michelle's behind is nothing in comparison to how we actually have been known to get it poppin'.

Clearly this is a case of ignorance. Maybe he's not used to what we're used to. Fine, I get that. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Michelle Obama isn't the first black woman he's ever seen. Clearly, in all his years of living on this planet and having eyes, he's come to realize that there are some differences in the physical appearance of white women and black women. And even if there weren't, he has no right as a man to sit around criticizing a woman's body, especially when he's not walkin' around here gettin' his Vin Diesel on.

Him and Rush Limbaugh.

You wanna know what that fool said? Back in February, this is what came out of his monkey mouth: "The problem is, and dare I say this, it doesn't look like Michelle Obama follows her own nutritionary, dietary advice... I'm trying to say that our First Lady does not project the image of women that you might see on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue or of a woman Alex Rodriguez might date every six months or what have you."

SON!

1. She may not project the image of women that you might see on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue... However, she has been on the cover of Vogue (and PLENTY of other magazines! And isn't Vogue way more prestigious?), so shut your mouth. Forever.

2. She's had 2 babies. Rush Limbaugh, who have you given birth to?

3. Oh, so now we're evaluating folks' qualifications based on whether or not Alex Rodriguez would date them? That's mighty intelligent.

4. I see... So in order for the First Lady to encourage people to participate in physical activities and have higher nutritional standards, she has to do this...

Oh. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense.

4. Didn't the nation go crazy about how toned and awesome this woman's arms are? Clearly Michelle is in shape. This should not even be a conversation.

5. Michelle Obama is a woman of nearly 50 years old. And clearly she's not fat. In fact, her body is bangin'.

But I realize that this isn't entirely about fat versus skinny. This is about the fact that Michelle is a woman and as a woman, her worth and authority (at least in the minds of sexist, racist white men with too much money, power, and time on their hands) hinges almost entirely on her physical appearance. I find it interesting that in all of this talk about her body, no one has cited the fact that this woman is a Princeton graduate.

EVERYBODY THAT HAS GRADUATED FROM PRINCETON UNIVERSITY, RAISE YOUR HANDS!

*looks around*

*sees no hands raised*

Okay, I'm done talkin' about this, 'cause I'm just gonna get more and more worked up if I continue to think about it. In closing, Patriarchy lives, Rush Limbaugh is still a complete idiot and Jim Sensenshutupheux needs to have his right to utter words revoked. As a black woman, the only way I can find enough peace to be able to sleep well at night is by reminding myself that Sasha and Malia are somewhere swayin' their little non-existent (but soon to be prominent) hips, chanting, "My Mama is hot and fine! She got a booty like mine!"